Java "Only" 2,897 bytes
Take a look at this monstrosity. Can someone help me test this on a monday, I cant figure out how to trick Java into thinking its monday.
import java.util.Calendar;public class Quine{public static void main(String[] args){char[] s={83,121,115,116,101,109,46,111,117,116,46,112,114,105,110,116,40,34,105,109,112,111,114,116,32,106,97,118,97,46,117,116,105,108,46,67,97,108,101,110,100,97,114,59,112,117,98,108,105,99,32,99,108,97,115,115,32,81,117,105,110,101,123,112,117,98,108,105,99,32,115,116,97,116,105,99,32,118,111,105,100,32,109,97,105,110,40,83,116,114,105,110,103,91,93,32,97,114,103,115,41,123,34,41,59,83,121,115,116,101,109,46,111,117,116,46,112,114,105,110,116,40,34,99,104,97,114,91,93,32,115,61,123,34,41,59,102,111,114,40,105,110,116,32,105,61,48,59,105,60,115,46,108,101,110,103,116,104,45,49,59,105,43,43,41,123,83,121,115,116,101,109,46,111,117,116,46,112,114,105,110,116,40,40,105,110,116,41,115,91,105,93,43,34,44,34,41,59,125,83,121,115,116,101,109,46,111,117,116,46,112,114,105,110,116,40,40,105,110,116,41,115,91,115,46,108,101,110,103,116,104,45,49,93,43,34,125,59,34,41,59,102,111,114,40,99,104,97,114,32,99,58,32,115,41,123,83,121,115,116,101,109,46,111,117,116,46,112,114,105,110,116,40,99,41,59,125,105,102,40,67,97,108,101,110,100,97,114,46,103,101,116,73,110,115,116,97,110,99,101,40,41,46,103,101,116,40,55,41,61,61,50,41,123,83,121,115,116,101,109,46,111,117,116,46,112,114,105,110,116,40,34,109,111,110,100,34,41,59,125,125,125,83,121,115,116,101,109,46,111,117,116,46,112,114,105,110,116,40,34,105,109,112,111,114,116,32,106,97,118,97,46,117,116,105,108,46,67,97,108,101,110,100,97,114,59,112,117,98,108,105,99,32,99,108,97,115,115,32,81,117,105,110,101,123,112,117,98,108,105,99,32,115,116,97,116,105,99,32,118,111,105,100,32,109,97,105,110,40,83,116,114,105,110,103,91,93,32,97,114,103,115,41,123,34,41,59,83,121,115,116,101,109,46,111,117,116,46,112,114,105,110,116,40,34,99,104,97,114,91,93,32,115,61,123,34,41,59,102,111,114,40,105,110,116,32,105,61,48,59,105,60,115,46,108,101,110,103,116,104,45,49,59,105,43,43,41,123,83,121,115,116,101,109,46,111,117,116,46,112,114,105,110,116,40,40,105,110,116,41,115,91,105,93,43,34,44,34,41,59,125,83,121,115,116,101,109,46,111,117,116,46,112,114,105,110,116,40,40,105,110,116,41,115,91,115,46,108,101,110,103,116,104,45,49,93,43,34,125,59,34,41,59,102,111,114,40,99,104,97,114,32,99,58,32,115,41,123,83,121,115,116,101,109,46,111,117,116,46,112,114,105,110,116,40,99,41,59,125,105,102,40,67,97,108,101,110,100,97,114,46,103,101,116,73,110,115,116,97,110,99,101,40,41,46,103,101,116,40,55,41,61,61,50,41,123,83,121,115,116,101,109,46,111,117,116,46,112,114,105,110,116,40,34,109,111,110,100,34,41,59,125,125,125};System.out.print("import java.util.Calendar;public class Quine{public static void main(String[] args){");System.out.print("char[] s={");for(int i=0;i<s.length-1;i++){System.out.print((int)s[i]+",");}System.out.print((int)s[s.length-1]+"};");for(char c: s){System.out.print(c);}if(Calendar.getInstance().get(7)==2){System.out.print("mond");}}}